Possibly infringing on someone's something, somewhere. Apologies.
An excerpt from John Hodgman's "Secret History of the Territory. "
OREGON
Nickname: The Big Beaver Furrier’s Dreamland
Motto: “In Oregon, Where the Shadows Lie.”
Notes: Prior to the Oregon Treaty of 1846, the Oregon Territory was a rugged land, dangerously overrun with beavers and British settlers, and stretching from the tip of present-day Cailfornia to the North Pole. Seriously, it was simply gigantic. Parts of Oregon were regularly found in empty lots and basements as far east as Illinois. When Oregon was discovered hanging around the outskirts of Baltimore, President Polk cried out, “Fifty-Four Forty or Fight!” His council of numerologists immediately scryed the meaning: Oregon was to be stopped. After two years of concerted spellweaving and secret bloody battles, the president’s geographimancers at last fixed Oregon’s northward boundary to the 49th parallel. With Oregon’s back to the sea, the government would continue long after Polk’s death to push Oregon south from Canada and west from the Rockies to its current boundaries, where it seethes now, perpetually covered in a dark cloud of marijuana smoke, ever dreaming of conquest.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Some things never get old....
Including "your mom" and "that's what she said" jokes. Really. I'll laugh at them up until the day I die. Maybe I would be laughing at one as I die. There are worse ways to go.
Some things do get old. Parents who are rude and disrespectful are currently at the top of that list. I wish they could all cut me a break once in awhile.
But guess who I gave a reaaaaaaaaal break to last night? YOUR MOM.
Some things do get old. Parents who are rude and disrespectful are currently at the top of that list. I wish they could all cut me a break once in awhile.
But guess who I gave a reaaaaaaaaal break to last night? YOUR MOM.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
"Drucken Sie bitte die zwei...."
No, animatronic and unnecissarily angry sounding German phone lady voice, I will not drucken die zwei. What I will do is throw my phone across the room in a childish but very satisfying fit of annoyance and frustration.
It's times like these when I waver between despising being in a foreign country because I can't always understand what is going on around me (even after living here for over a year now) and despising myself for not yet speaking the language well enough to navigate a mother effing automatic call menu. I go between thinking "Germany, why do you do this to me!?" and "Bri, why do you do this to yourself!? Go get yo' skanky ass down to the language school and git to learnin' some more German!" Yes, I imagine myself saying this in the style and voice of a streetwise African-American grandmother sitting in a rocking chair. It both amuses and motivates me. Don't ask me to explain why- I don't even know. I promise I'm not a racist.
I digress. I'm supremely annoyed at the fact that my German speaking skills have not progresseed beyond the point of "sounding like a demented five year old" status. I'm also embarrassed at this fact because I took two years of German in college, and one of those years was spent living in AUSTRIA. Where they speak....GERMAN. My listening skills have improved greatly, which I suppose is a good thing, since I can understand most of what people say to me, if they speak slower than normal and repeat things when I ask them to. I also like to think I'm charming enough to keep people from becoming impatient with me and walking away shaking their heads in disgust before I've gained the necessary information from them. (Yes this did happen once, but I chalk it up to me looking like a vagrant and the train station man not being at his most cheerful at 5 AM.)
But apparently these skills do not enable me to understand the stupid voice on the call menu, the voice which does not speak slower or repeat anything, for anyone...EVER. It's kind of like Satan, in a way. I imagine Satan wouldn't speak slower or repeat what he said for anyone. So you see the obvious connection. So, in order for me to overcome what is currently a large source of frustration in my life, and to overcome Satan, I need to start speaking some more German. Here is my plan:
1.) Go to Kaestner Kollege (language school) on Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday (I like to give myself flexibility in scheduling, ok?) and sign up for the German class I researched three months ago but never got around to signing up for.
2.) Go to said German class and learn lots of new stuff. I'm good at going to school, this part should be easy.
3.) Actually speak to people in such environments as the grocery store, post office, street corner, etc. rather than avoiding eye contact at all costs and keeping my headphones in all the time so no one will even think of approaching me.
4.) Read German magazines and/or newspapers.....at least the easy articles.
I currently do some of these things in a half assed fashion, giving up when it becomes too difficult or embarrassing. But no longer! The next time my neighbor talks to me in the elevator, I'll do more than nod and smile and pray for the doors to open. I'll say.....something.
Ok, enough whining about not speaking the langauge of the country I currently reside in. Some interesting facts concerning my life at the moment:
*I went to the US for a month this summer. It was an incredibly enjoyable trip, despite the fact that I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see. It sounds lame since a month is a long time but...there just wasn't enough time. I did get to drive a car and go shopping at 10:30 at night though, so there were some definite high points.
*STARBUCKS IS COMING TO DRESDEN. I feel this fact speaks for itself. And don't judge me, all you judgers out there, because once you've had as many bad cups of coffee as I have in the past 14 months, you too would rejoice at the thought of knowing exactly how your coffee was going to taste before it even tickled your taste buds. So get over it.
*My apartment is awesome. My friend Debbie "watered my plants" while I was gone this summer, which apparently is code for extreme home makeover. She scrubbed and cleaned and organized every inch of this place AND stocked my old Mother Hubbard status kitchen with food. It was all a surprise too- I came home from the airport hot, tired, pissed off at having to maneuver two heavy and ungainly suitcases up to the fifth floor- and opened the door to an entryway so clean the sparkles pinging off the floor nearly blinded me. Needless to say, Debbie's work was much appreciated, and has inspired me to keep the place clean and tidy. Good friends will know that this has often been one of my great struggles in life.
*I can cook! I really can! I might not be auditioning for Top Chef this summer (I'm thinking 2012 has a nice ring to it though) but I have actually started to eat more than tofu patties and cereal and milk. I know, I know, it sounds like a meager existence, but I think you underestimate my love of both tofu and cereal, as well as convenience. Last week I made chili, which turned out better than I ever thought anything I made could have. Yesterday and today I made both garlic bread (not that exciting but I'm trying to celebrate my successes here, people) and french toast. Both delicious. And easy. I'm finding that once you actually have the right kinds of ingredients and equipment around, cooking isn't all that hard. I've become better about buying something other than condiments every time I go grocery shopping. Just ask my friend Anne Kalos about this one. It's a serious problem I have. What can I say, the siren call of the salad dressing/dipping sauce aisle is just too hard to resist. But those days are over! Well, mostly. I did have cereal for dinner last night.
*I threw a party Friday night, my first hostessing of any sort since moving here. I think the word party might even be stretching it a bit, but there were food, alcohol, and a bunch of my friends all in my apartment at the same time. The phrase "glory hole" was tossed around a lot throughout the evening as well....I'll take it.
*I got a new sports bra last week, and am currently trying to break it in. Yes, these things need to be broken in, do not question my authority on this issue. I'm having some serious misgivings about this one on the comfort front, but I already took the tags off. Curses! Guess it'll have to do. At least it does provide the necessary squashage. Shut up, it's a word because I say it is.
*The new school year has started and we're almost a month in........................................I don't really have much to say on the subject at this point. I feel like a lot less of a fraud than I did at this time last year, but I still sometimes feel like slamming my head against the wall repeatedly at the end of the day. But I didn't cry at all during the first week, so I will consider this the mark of true growth and success and just ride the wave, baby. I also am still counting my blessings, because although my school has no language curriculum whatsoever for me to follow, as well as very unique parents, and this makes me feel anxious and upset on a daily basis, I still only have SIXTEEN STUDENTS. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, American public school system.
*I have been going to the gym three times a week. This week is the big week where I'm going to bump it up to four. Even if it kills me. It's worth it just to watch the outlandish shows on German cable television.
*I'm going to London for a quick weekend visit in two weeks. The plane ticket was twenty euros, round trip. Germany may have the annoying quality of not catering to my language needs, but if there's any European country more perfectly located for someone who loves to travel the continent, then I'm a monkey's uncle. Now if only Dresden had a bigger airport....
*I bought a vacuum and may possibly love it more than life itself.
*This last piece of news confirms the fact that I am turning into an old person.
Well, holy mother of all blog posts. If you made it this far, then here's a cookie. Enjoy it.
More to come, as soon as something interesting happens, or I buy another home cleaning tool.
It's times like these when I waver between despising being in a foreign country because I can't always understand what is going on around me (even after living here for over a year now) and despising myself for not yet speaking the language well enough to navigate a mother effing automatic call menu. I go between thinking "Germany, why do you do this to me!?" and "Bri, why do you do this to yourself!? Go get yo' skanky ass down to the language school and git to learnin' some more German!" Yes, I imagine myself saying this in the style and voice of a streetwise African-American grandmother sitting in a rocking chair. It both amuses and motivates me. Don't ask me to explain why- I don't even know. I promise I'm not a racist.
I digress. I'm supremely annoyed at the fact that my German speaking skills have not progresseed beyond the point of "sounding like a demented five year old" status. I'm also embarrassed at this fact because I took two years of German in college, and one of those years was spent living in AUSTRIA. Where they speak....GERMAN. My listening skills have improved greatly, which I suppose is a good thing, since I can understand most of what people say to me, if they speak slower than normal and repeat things when I ask them to. I also like to think I'm charming enough to keep people from becoming impatient with me and walking away shaking their heads in disgust before I've gained the necessary information from them. (Yes this did happen once, but I chalk it up to me looking like a vagrant and the train station man not being at his most cheerful at 5 AM.)
But apparently these skills do not enable me to understand the stupid voice on the call menu, the voice which does not speak slower or repeat anything, for anyone...EVER. It's kind of like Satan, in a way. I imagine Satan wouldn't speak slower or repeat what he said for anyone. So you see the obvious connection. So, in order for me to overcome what is currently a large source of frustration in my life, and to overcome Satan, I need to start speaking some more German. Here is my plan:
1.) Go to Kaestner Kollege (language school) on Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday (I like to give myself flexibility in scheduling, ok?) and sign up for the German class I researched three months ago but never got around to signing up for.
2.) Go to said German class and learn lots of new stuff. I'm good at going to school, this part should be easy.
3.) Actually speak to people in such environments as the grocery store, post office, street corner, etc. rather than avoiding eye contact at all costs and keeping my headphones in all the time so no one will even think of approaching me.
4.) Read German magazines and/or newspapers.....at least the easy articles.
I currently do some of these things in a half assed fashion, giving up when it becomes too difficult or embarrassing. But no longer! The next time my neighbor talks to me in the elevator, I'll do more than nod and smile and pray for the doors to open. I'll say.....something.
Ok, enough whining about not speaking the langauge of the country I currently reside in. Some interesting facts concerning my life at the moment:
*I went to the US for a month this summer. It was an incredibly enjoyable trip, despite the fact that I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see. It sounds lame since a month is a long time but...there just wasn't enough time. I did get to drive a car and go shopping at 10:30 at night though, so there were some definite high points.
*STARBUCKS IS COMING TO DRESDEN. I feel this fact speaks for itself. And don't judge me, all you judgers out there, because once you've had as many bad cups of coffee as I have in the past 14 months, you too would rejoice at the thought of knowing exactly how your coffee was going to taste before it even tickled your taste buds. So get over it.
*My apartment is awesome. My friend Debbie "watered my plants" while I was gone this summer, which apparently is code for extreme home makeover. She scrubbed and cleaned and organized every inch of this place AND stocked my old Mother Hubbard status kitchen with food. It was all a surprise too- I came home from the airport hot, tired, pissed off at having to maneuver two heavy and ungainly suitcases up to the fifth floor- and opened the door to an entryway so clean the sparkles pinging off the floor nearly blinded me. Needless to say, Debbie's work was much appreciated, and has inspired me to keep the place clean and tidy. Good friends will know that this has often been one of my great struggles in life.
*I can cook! I really can! I might not be auditioning for Top Chef this summer (I'm thinking 2012 has a nice ring to it though) but I have actually started to eat more than tofu patties and cereal and milk. I know, I know, it sounds like a meager existence, but I think you underestimate my love of both tofu and cereal, as well as convenience. Last week I made chili, which turned out better than I ever thought anything I made could have. Yesterday and today I made both garlic bread (not that exciting but I'm trying to celebrate my successes here, people) and french toast. Both delicious. And easy. I'm finding that once you actually have the right kinds of ingredients and equipment around, cooking isn't all that hard. I've become better about buying something other than condiments every time I go grocery shopping. Just ask my friend Anne Kalos about this one. It's a serious problem I have. What can I say, the siren call of the salad dressing/dipping sauce aisle is just too hard to resist. But those days are over! Well, mostly. I did have cereal for dinner last night.
*I threw a party Friday night, my first hostessing of any sort since moving here. I think the word party might even be stretching it a bit, but there were food, alcohol, and a bunch of my friends all in my apartment at the same time. The phrase "glory hole" was tossed around a lot throughout the evening as well....I'll take it.
*I got a new sports bra last week, and am currently trying to break it in. Yes, these things need to be broken in, do not question my authority on this issue. I'm having some serious misgivings about this one on the comfort front, but I already took the tags off. Curses! Guess it'll have to do. At least it does provide the necessary squashage. Shut up, it's a word because I say it is.
*The new school year has started and we're almost a month in........................................I don't really have much to say on the subject at this point. I feel like a lot less of a fraud than I did at this time last year, but I still sometimes feel like slamming my head against the wall repeatedly at the end of the day. But I didn't cry at all during the first week, so I will consider this the mark of true growth and success and just ride the wave, baby. I also am still counting my blessings, because although my school has no language curriculum whatsoever for me to follow, as well as very unique parents, and this makes me feel anxious and upset on a daily basis, I still only have SIXTEEN STUDENTS. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, American public school system.
*I have been going to the gym three times a week. This week is the big week where I'm going to bump it up to four. Even if it kills me. It's worth it just to watch the outlandish shows on German cable television.
*I'm going to London for a quick weekend visit in two weeks. The plane ticket was twenty euros, round trip. Germany may have the annoying quality of not catering to my language needs, but if there's any European country more perfectly located for someone who loves to travel the continent, then I'm a monkey's uncle. Now if only Dresden had a bigger airport....
*I bought a vacuum and may possibly love it more than life itself.
*This last piece of news confirms the fact that I am turning into an old person.
Well, holy mother of all blog posts. If you made it this far, then here's a cookie. Enjoy it.
More to come, as soon as something interesting happens, or I buy another home cleaning tool.
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